


To All The Ones I've Loved

by Megonagal



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Character Study, F/M, M/M, Vignette, all i know is my son merlin is a smol, and he deserves all the love, i dont knwo what this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-10 03:42:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15282807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Megonagal/pseuds/Megonagal
Summary: A study in the relationships Merlin has had throughout the years and the lessons he's learned from them all.





	To All The Ones I've Loved

Freya, The First

He loved her the way one dives into water : Falling without direction but perfectly and happily immersed in the shallows. He loved her recklessly, fell to the deep end first and struggled to keep a float and see sense under her beauty. She was the first one to to truly see him. To understand what it was like to be tormented and hunted for being who you are.When Merlin was with Freya he felt stronger. He didn't have to hide behind dopey remarks and pathetic explanations for the strange things that occured. He could show her the wonder he had within him and be proud of it. He made fires dance for her, roses pop out of thin air and all the other tricks in the world just to make her smile. And when he saw the beast behind her beauty he could not tell the difference , for both were the same : scared, misunderstood and beautiful. And when she died with her died his hopes for a house by the lake, with flowers and mountains and all the other things they dreamed of.

Loving Freya taught him he could love.  
Losing her taught him how precious that feeling is. 

 

Lancelot, The Revelation

Merlin never could wrap is head around what he felt for Lancelot. At first it was respect. His skill, his heart , his unwavering sense of duty and loyalty. Merlin loved Lancelot because he was who Merlin aspired to be. Pure of heart and clear conscience. Lancelot could put his desires aside for the sake of what’s right. Merlin couldn't do that, he’d never been capable of separating emotions and duty. He’d always felt his destiny was a part of his life and not separate. But for Lancelot..Lancelot could do it all. He could become a knight without his love of a woman distracting him or wavering his loyalties. Merlin always thought he’d merely admired Lancelot. Until that is one night he sat with the knights around the fire. All of them drunk and bubbling with laughter. When Lancelot hugged him in his boozy brotherly love Merlin felt his heart race and swell and it was definitely the sick from all the booze. Merlin found solace with Lancelot. Whenever he was around him he felt like a kid again. He wanted to impress him with his magic. For Lancelot to look at him with the same wonder he felt when he saw him on the battle field : moving as if the sword was a part of him, like he was raised to fight.

Loving Lancelot taught Merlin that gender doesn't matter when it came to feelings  
Losing Lancelot , even for a while, taught Merlin that the people you love can shape who you are.

 

Gwaine, The Understanding

To Merlin, Gwaine was an almost mythical like force. He was a magnetic. He could lure in trouble with a laugh and steal a heart with a mere glance. He wore mischief like Merlin wore magic and flirted with death as often as Merlin tampered with destiny. Merlin loved Gwaine because he was fearless. When Gwaine mentioned he’d slept with a man (after chugging down enough alcohol to sedate a horse) Merlin felt a terrible weight lift off his shoulders. The next morning when Gwaine sobered up Merline whispered that he was also interested in men and it was then that their little secret began. The sly winks whenever Gwaine flirted with the knights, checking the lads out when on the field, and casually rating the men and women at the pub based on how attractive they were. Gwaine made Merline accept a side of him he’d never been proud of. He showed Merlin that you didn't need to hide your feelings because feelings are what make us human. 

Merlin was always looking after Gwaine (Merlin looked after everyone really) but Gwaine was one of the few who returned the favor. He would coax Merlin into actually trying to approach the people he fancied, come over and cheer him up when he was sick and listen to him prattle about Arthur for hours. Gwaine was the person he shared his secrets with. Not his magic like he did with Lancelot but the more personal things he kept hidden : his fear of loneliness, the way he missed Ealdor, his annoyance with being belittled constantly and namely, his attraction for Arthur. At first Gwaine had snorted his beer out, leaving him coughing and choking.  
After that fiasco he managed to say “You had to pick the straightest arrow in the quiver didn't ya?”.  
Yet despite all his reservations Gwaine listened to Merlin. He shot him pointed looks whenever Arthur said something nice about him, He teased him whenever Arthur playfully touched or hugged him and patted him on the back whenever they caught Arthur flirting with some lady. Despite it all, Gwaine stayed by his side and slowly became Merlin’s personal wingman.

Loving Gwaine taught him how to accept himself.  
And with Gwaine the only loss he suffered was that of his interest in booze.

 

Arthur, The One

Merlin fell in love with Arthur the way he became his servant : unwillingly. In fact it never even registered to him that he was falling in love. To him, it was just a progression. In the beginning he despised his job and as the days went by and he saw the layers in Arthur’s personality he still hated his job but just complained a bit less. Merlin could never pinpoint why exactly he loved Arthur. 

It certainly wasn’t the way he spoke, all pompous and proud. It wasn't the way royalty dropped off his gait, how he wore arrogance like a crown and power like a gait. It wasn't the way he used insults and humor as a shield , how the slight shift in color of his eyes was the only thing that let on that he was scared. It wasn't because he was reckless and presumed that he owned the world. Merlin could go on about all the reasons why he would never have fallen for Arthur, but with enough wine he could be persuaded to name a few explanations for his attraction. 

Maybe it was how his eyes lit up when he smiled or his terrible attempts to comfort Merlin. Or was it because he understood what it was like to lose a loved one and helped Merlin get through that sadness in his own way. Maybe it was his playful nature and the way conversation flowed so easily with him or the fact that they seemed to be able to talk to each other through glances and expressions. 

 

The way he felt for Arthur was more than duty-bound. It felt like destiny. It was uncontrollable and messy and confusing and yet, he wouldn't change it for the world.

Loving Arthur taught Merlin about the unpredictability of love  
Losing him taught him the unpredictability of life.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been trying to write a cute ass Merlin and Arthur fic for about 2 weeks and evolved into whatever the fuck this is.


End file.
